Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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