FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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