So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
