New low: just hacked my moms facebook
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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