I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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