I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
