grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
