Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
