I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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