when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
