How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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