I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize