then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
