i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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