They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
