I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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