I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
