So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
