Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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