Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
