I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
