Joe is yelling at the trees again.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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