is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
