i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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