and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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