You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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