How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize