bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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