Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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