Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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