can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Randomize
