I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
