did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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