My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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