If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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