Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
