I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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