shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
