I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Randomize
