He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
