I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
