I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
