so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
