His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
