Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize