i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
