i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize