Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's shark week go big or go home
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
