Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
