i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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