I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
