Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
