she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's official drugs can't kill me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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