No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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