Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
