Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
