I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
