Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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