Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
