im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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